She started at her new Montessori school last Wednesday, and the drop off was beyond heartbreaking. She didn't cry a ton, but she looked confused and terrified, and had no idea why a stranger was scooping her up and taking her inside. I cried the entire way home, feeling as if I betrayed her and hadn't prepared her well enough. When I picked her up, she was holding onto the fence at the playground with a quivering chin and eyes filled with tears - she was looking for me. On the way home she asked, "Why did you leave me? I was sad all the day. I was sad because I miss you because I love you..."
It killed me.
I know it is very good for her on many levels. She and I are joined at the hip, and she needs to have another adult telling her what to do throughout the day. She needs to talk more, socialize more, and have more structure.
An hour after picking her up the first day, I got an an airplane and headed to LA. Again, I felt terrible. Charley did drop off the second day, and it was ten times worse... I am somewhat thankful for not seeing it - I might have taken her home with me.
And then after four days off of school (because of the wedding in California), it was like starting over again. But then each day this week has gotten easier and easier, and she is so happy and chatty and exhausted at pickup. I actually had a chance to observe her classroom through a oneway window yesterday, and was completely thrown for a loop. She was confident, focused, engaged and joyful.
Although it has been great for Riley, it has been very beneficial for all of us. I've been feeling more in control this week, and I realized it was because we have a schedule. I hadn't thought about the fact that for three years, I have not had a schedule. I've had playgroups and appointments here and there, but there has never been a set structure to each day - the babies completely dictated it based on sleep, meals, tantrums, etc. But now we have to be up and dressed by 8am. We have to have breakfast before we leave the house (and not just eat a banana in the car because somebody didn't want to eat breakfast). And I have three hours before pickup, and I am the most productive version of myself during that time... I wrote some thank you notes, organized closets, prepped lunch and dinner, listened to my music while cleaning the kitchen, wrote a blog post... There is a difference between weekdays and weekends again. It is pretty amazing. It is such a relief to have a schedule - I'm starting to feel normal again.
Today at drop off Riley told me to leave her and that I needed to go home so she could go to school and play. One of her classmates grabbed her hand, and the two of them ran off to go greet their teacher. She never looked back. Although a teeny tiny bit of my mommy ego was bruised, I finally got to walk to the car without crying. Today was a good day, and I'm so proud of how adaptable Riley is.
Congrats little Riley!
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